One time I volunteered in Nicaragua, and I hauled bananas upstairs for 36 hours straight. My legs felt like they were going to fall off. I don’t know why they needed them upstairs – I don’t ask, I just help.
One time I helped in Venezuela by assassinating several political leaders and creating a political power vacuum and destabilizing the economy for several months just because the US wanted some cool black sand. Man, I love helping people. I’m an expert helper.
Everyone’s body is a temple and I don’t believe in poisoning your temple. That’s why I don’t drink, smoke, get tattoos – and I’m a vegan. I don’t want to kill any animals, because I don’t know if animals go to heaven, so I can’t bring them closer to God. Except for dogs.
If I were an animal, I would probably be like a wolverine or a honey badger. They’re merciless – and I’m merciless about God. I just love spreading the good word.
My biggest regret was not finishing off the family that the Columbian drug cartel asked me to. I started dripping battery acid into their wounds, but somehow I got really sleepy, and I fell asleep and they were gone when I woke up. I don’t know where they went.