Elder Spencer Smith

The best part about today was waking up. The best part about yesterday was finding two new wives after my mission.

Spencer on the godly order of the household

One time I volunteered in Nicaragua, and I hauled bananas upstairs for 36 hours straight. My legs felt like they were going to fall off. I don’t know why they needed them upstairs – I don’t ask, I just help.

One time I helped in Venezuela by assassinating several political leaders and creating a political power vacuum and destabilizing the economy for several months just because the US wanted some cool black sand. Man, I love helping people. I’m an expert helper.

I don’t have any controversial opinions. They’re not opinions. They’re only facts.

Spencer on the age of planet earth

Everyone’s body is a temple and I don’t believe in poisoning your temple. That’s why I don’t drink, smoke, get tattoos – and I’m a vegan. I don’t want to kill any animals, because I don’t know if animals go to heaven, so I can’t bring them closer to God. Except for dogs.

If I were an animal, I would probably be like a wolverine or a honey badger. They’re merciless – and I’m merciless about God. I just love spreading the good word.

I don’t know where they went.

Spencer on his balls

My biggest regret was not finishing off the family that the Columbian drug cartel asked me to. I started dripping battery acid into their wounds, but somehow I got really sleepy, and I fell asleep and they were gone when I woke up. I don’t know where they went.

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